Because Reasons!
by ForPony39
Summary: An insane family dinner party. Total, unapologetic crack - includes cursing, absurdity, one liners, dwarf toss, captain swan, and crazy. Why? BECAUSE REASONS!


Emma generally felt like her life had been spilt into two acts from completely different movies, the first half from a boring real life drama and the current half from... god was there a damn genre for this last part? Comedy/fantasy/ridcu-drama/soap opera? The short story was magic sucked. The long story was after she stabbed a real, holy-mother-of-the-fire-breathing-lord-of-the-dance-dragon, she expected sanity was pretty much packing its bags and moving out. Emma thought it would take its time, lovingly wrapping its things in newspaper from the business section before it left the metaphorical apartment that was her life. Turns out sanity didn't have time to bother packing its shit – it actually just ran for the door like said apartment was on fire, laughing and flipping her off before disappearing into the night. Then crazy moved in, because crazy didn't give one flying fuck if the apartment was on fire, and crazy brought magic – or maybe magic was why the apartment was on fire?

Wow, she had really dragged this whole metaphor out. Much like she had been dragged out to this whole 'family dinner' affair (ha! Segway!)

The whole shindig was apparently all Regina's idea and being hosted at her place. Of course when Emma said 'family' half the damn town showed up. She was almost positive a few of them were totally _not _family but without some kind of huge spread sheet or chart she honestly couldn't say for sure at this point.

"You look tense love," Killian observed, frowning as he shifted the bottle of wine under his one arm to hold her hand, pulling her from her thoughts. She'd taken him shopping recently and the only thing he'd let her buy him were tuxedo's, and he now insisted on wearing them _all the time._ They could have been going to the movies and it would now be a choice between pirate leather or a tuxedo – but she was strangely ok with that becasue he _looked how the sun felt;_

If the sun was a hot damn mess. He was using his hook to fiddle with his bow-tie and she could see he had begun to sweat like he was disarming a bomb.

"I look tense? Have you looked in a mirror?" she asked. Dumb question of course, he'd looked in it fifteen times and was the reason they were running late, (she was pretty sure he'd blown himself a kiss at least once…)

"Gods, you have no idea Swan – if you put a piece of coal up my backside it'd be a diamond before we all sat down for dinner."

"I feel like there's a joke about pirate booty in there somewhere," she grinned at him. Henry made a strangely high pitched squealing noise before Killian could say anything to that, drawing their full attention to him. Henry stared back with _literal_ stars in his eyes and both hands over his mouth.

"You two are my OTP," he whispered between his fingers.

"Your what?" Killian and Emma asked simultaneously.

"What is wrong with your eyes?" Emma added, practically feeling Killian raise an eyebrow at her son.

"I will literally ship you in the afterlife," Henry pledged holding up one hand and placing the other over his heart, walking backwards in front of them as they approached the house.

"What the bloody hell is he going on about Swan?"

"I left my Henry decoder ring at home, I'm as lost as you," she shrugged, shaking her head.

"You know who else ships you two? ForPo-" Emma tore her hand from Hook's and slapped it over Henry's mouth before he could finish his sentence.

"Saying her name is like summoning beetle-juice on crack," she snapped, "you say it you get grounded for life."

"Sorry, beetle-what?" Hook asked, eyes flitting between the two with a somewhat horrified expression.

"Non-magical pop culture reference, don't even worry about it," Emma sighed, removing her hand from Henry's mouth.

"I see, and this ForPony?" Emma turned around and booted Killian in the shin.

"Ow! Bloody hell woman!"

"Do you realize what you've _done?_" Emma demanded as Henry pumped his fist and skipped towards the door.

"… Pledged some deed to a miniature horse?" Killian asked hesitantly, rubbing his shin tenderly.

"Maybe we're still ok, maybe you have to say it three times…" Emma muttered to herself hopefully as she followed Henry to the house. They could hear the muted sound of loud music playing – this was rarely a good sign. It took her another few seconds to realize it was coming from the backyard. They all saw the signs at the same time, one on the door written in crayon that said **'Party out back, unless you are a fairy – then no party, move along.'**

"Very subtle Regina," Emma smiled, shaking her head as she looked to the second sign. This one was to their left, posted to a stick stuck in the ground, also written in purple crayon that read, **'Not this way.'**

"Fuck the police!" Henry declared, running past the sign and around the house.

"Damnit Henry, get back here!" Emma yelled, running after him. When she rounded the house she with Killian close behind her and saw the event taking place their jaws dropped simultaneously. Emma practically felt sanity run past her at top speed to make its escape. Someone had invited crazy and that motherfucker had gotten into the alcohol...

It appeared Regina had gone with garden party, and she'd gone above and beyond. There was a table that could easily seat about two dozen people hovering out by her apple tree, displaying a fancy buffet of various foods, a stack of pretty plates and and fancy folded napkins. Tea lights were also floating everywhere, two fire breathers were standing precariously on top of round stone boulders, flying trays offering everyone hordervs, and to top it off into the middle of this outlandish party appeared to be a life sized ice statue of Regina herself - holding a pitcher that continuously poured punch into the bowl beneath her. But of course she and Hook only got to take so much of this in because the sounds of people cheering quickly demanded their attention to the group of people about ten feet away.

"Toss him! Toss him!" Charming cheered as Red hoisted Dopey off his feet and began to spin in circles, building momentum before letting him go and sending him sailing through the air.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Killian grabbed Emma by her shoulder and forced her to duck, narrowly avoiding the flying dwarf who tucked and rolled just before impact with the ground. The air filled with cheering as everyone threw their hands in the air. All except Grumpy, standing next to Nova in her pink gown with his arms crossed and glowering at the entire affair.

"You threw him right over Emma and the pirate!" Jimmy cricket said, sounding awed

"Hey! You guys aren't supposed to come around that way!" Whale called out to them as Emma and Hook looked at everybody like they'd lost their minds.

"There's a sign!" he explained, pointing behind them. Fantastic start to the evening so far! Henry was already running up to the group with a quick wave.

"Heyo! How you doing? Good? Great!" Henry said on one breath, waiting for no reply nor questioning their choice of activity. He strangely went straight to Nova to give her a big hug.

"Nova! Long-time no see!" He almost instantly dropped his arms from around the bewildered fairy and tipped a hat to her.

"Well lots of people to see! Off-to-circuit-around-the-party-bye!"

"Oh, uh, ok – bye Henry!" Nova called after him as he ran off into the party. Emma was still trying to wrap her head around the first taste of madness. She pulled herself together enough to voice the only sane question she could think of.

"What the hell is going on!?"

"We lost the Frisbee," Red shrugged as Killian and Emma gaped at the blasé manner the entire group had about the whole affair.

"So you decide to throw the seven dwarves?!"

"What the bloody hell is a frisbee?"

"Seriously – that's the question you chose to ask?" Emma asked him, shaking her head when he gave her a nonchalant shrug.

"Nice suit James Bond," Charming snorted, looking Killian over.

"I understand that reference – and I find the comparison to be terribly accurate," Killian returned, running his hand through his hair to smooth it back.

"Ok, can we focus back on the madness everyone is casually participating in?" Emma demanded, growing frustrated at being the only one having a normal reaction.

"Ugggh! It's just a bit of fun!" Whale sighed dramatically.

"You. Are. Throwing. _Dwarves_."

"The dwarves seem to enjoy it," Nova interjected hesitantly, "They like the flying sensation."

"_Most_ of them," Grumpy corrected in a huff, "Because they're idiots. Ain't nobody tossin' me."

"Oh come on Grumpy," Charming said, wearing a big condescending smile, "admit it, you want in on the fun." Grumpy glared at him.

"No."

"Yoooooooou wanna flllllllllllyyyy!" Charming said in a singsong voice, closing in on the dwarf.

"Don't touch me."

"Charming I wouldn't," Nova said nervously, holding up her hand in a just as nervous warning.

"Emma, pull out the multipurpose omni-recording device, I want to be able relive whatever happens next," Killian said, shaking her shoulder as if to hurry her.

"You mean my cell phone?" Emma asked him slowly, slapping his hand away as Charming continued to reach for Grumpy.

"Oh Nova, it's fine, me and Grumpy go way-"

Grumpy cut him off with a growl, ducking under Charming's hands to head-butt him in the groin. Charming's eyes widened, as all the air left his lungs and he collapsed to his knees.

"Back," Charming finished in something between a wheeze and a high pitched whine. Killian bust out laughing.

"Grumpy!" Nova admonished, putting her hands on her hips.

"Not-so-Charming asked for it!" Grumpy grunted back unapologetically.

"Killian, stop laughing!" Emma snapped elbowing him in the ribs as he continued to bust a gut.

"Can't," he choked, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Here, I'll fix him up with a little fairy dust," Nova offered, reaching to her side – only to come up empty.

"That's weird," she frowned, "Could have sworn I brought a pouch. Wait a damn minute…" Suddenly Nova's normally happy, shy demeanor melted away as her eyes narrowed into slits.

"Sunuva – Henry!" she yelled stalking off. Emma blinked twice and then very slowly turned to look at Killian.

"Have you been teaching my son how to pit-pocket people?" she asked with an unmistakably dangerous calm. Killian seemed to abruptly be in no mood to laugh as he cleared his throat and ruffled his hair.

"Uhh... David! Mate!" he said, hurrying to Charming's side, slinging one arm over his shoulder and just as quickly limping off with him.

"Best get you some ice!" Killian said loudly.

"Run Forest, run!" Red cackled as Killian began to make his escape, forcing David into a hurried limp.

"Get back here you pirate bastard!" Emma yelled.

"I must assist your father! He is grievously injured!" Killian shouted back. She attempted to stalk after him only to be stopped as Snow, finally realizing she had arrived, intercepted her with a hug.

"Honey! I'm so glad you're here," she said, as if her presence was something of a relief.

"How are you?" She asked.

"I fear for my sanity and my son's gone full Klepto. Must be Sunday," Emma sighed, pulling away from the hug.

"No, Sundays someone find out they're related to another fairy tale character, on Saturday we wear pink," Snow said with a shrug.

"… What?"

"What?"

Emma shook her head and tried to focus.

"What the hell is going on?" she asked, hoping to get some reason from her mother at least. Snow made a show of looking around at the floating trays, lights, huge buffet table, the fire breathers and last but not least – the life size ice sculpture of Regina eternally pouring punch.

"It _is_ shaping up to be a bit of a weird night, huh?" Snow sighed, eyes glued to the statue.

"I feel like making ice queen jokes, but it's too easy," Emma said to Snow, following her gaze to stare at the punch centerpiece as well.

"It screams 'look at me'," Snow said.

"I know, this is all kind of over the top."

"No literally Emma, it screams look at me," Snow told her, grabbing Emma by the arm and dragging her to the punch bowl to demonstrate her point. Once there Snow tried to start a conversation with Emma.

"So how-"

The statue looked down at her almost immediately, like her attempting to speak with another human being instead of looking at her was offensive.

"Look at me!" it shrieked, to which Emma calmly replied-

"AAAHHH!"

"See," Snow said, like having a life sized, vain ice sculpture demanding your undivided attention was not at all uncommon.

"Why would-

"Look at me!" it snapped again, interrupting Emma's question to Snow. Emma blinked at the ice statue.

"What-"

"Shhh!" Ice Regina hissed.

"Let's move away," Snow said quickly grabbing her arm and leading her away.

"So I don't upset the fancy drink dispenser?" Emma asked incredulously as they moved away.

"I heard that peroxide!" the statue shouted after her.

"Ever heard of a margarita!?" Emma barked, trying to turn around and stalk back, "Lots of crushed ice!"

"Emma you are arguing with a damn centerpiece for god sakes," Snow said, yanking her daughter back as they walked away from the huffy ice sculpture.

"Why would she make it do that?" Emma asked, as a horderves tray stopped them and offered some kind of fancy cheese and crackers.

"She didn't," Rumple said as he and Belle also stepped up to the floating horderves tray to grab one. He wore a suit that looked like it had been made out of disco balls, scattering fragments of light in every direction every time he so much as fidgeted. Belle wore the perfect shade of blue in her lovely dress to bring out her eyes.

"I did," he explained smugly, "It was simply too tempting."

Emma and Snow just stared at him, his smug smile began to fall off his face as they both just started giggling.

"Oh my god Gold, are you actually _wearing_ the seventies?" Emma laughed. Rumple looked down at his suit, or rather squinted, if was too bright to look at even if only reflecting the tea lights.

"This suit is very cool!" he said defensively before looking to Belle.

"Right?" he asked her and she pat his shoulder as if to comfort him.

"Of course! It looks very cool honey!" she desperately tried to assure him, like she wanted him to feel good about his appalling taste in clothing.

"Belle, are you high?" Emma asked just as Snow said, "he looks like Liberace." There was suddenly a puff of purple smoke before them, clearing away to reveal Henry, like he'd been waiting for the right moment to intrude upon the conversation. He pointed at Rumple and yelled, "HA! Burn!"

Everyone just looked at him; except Rumple who glared, looking oddly formidable in the disco ball suit.

"… Well my work here is done." Henry took a handful of fairy dust from the stolen pouch.

"Henry don't you-" but before she could finish there was another poof of smoke and he was gone.

"That little shit!" Emma hissed.

"Someone call my name?" Pan asked, smoothly joining the foursome.

"Pretty sure they did – in hell," Belle said pointedly.

"Got a day pass – plus, everyone knows Graham is the only person capable of staying dead on this show."

"Oh my god, TOO SOON!" Snow yelled, pointing an accusing finger at him. He ignored her and instead held up a hand to shield his eyes as he addressed Rumple.

"Son, what the hell are you wearing?"

"I could ask you the same thing father," Rumple sneered, seeing Pan had yet to change out of his Neverland garb.

"Is this your rebellious retro-pimp phase?" Pan asked.

"Don't tell me how to live my life!" Rumple shouted back. Then he cleared his throat and smoothed back his hair, as if collecting himself.

"I've not idea where that came from – it's obvious you're just jealous of how fabulous I look," Rumple said. He made a grand gesture that caused a kaleidoscope of light to refract in all directions from the tea lights. One beam of light nearly blinded the passing Granny who screamed "MY EYES!" before running into a table and going flying over it.

"Oh my god, Granny!" Snow gasped, as Belle nearly choked on her drink. They both went running to go help the elderly restaurant owner.

"Way to go Elton John," Emma said, rolling her eyes. That's when Emma heard the faint voice of the Ice Regina behind her.

"You're one to talk blond Bon Jovi!" Emma grabbed one of the fire eaters walking past her to take over for his partners.

"I will pay you fifty bucks to get nice and close to that centerpiece."

"… Done."

"Well this has been fun," Pan sighed as Emma slipped the fire eater his money, "but it seems my great grandson is already raising hell in my stead so I'm out, Rumple," he finish, nodding good bye and then flying away.

"Worst eternal teenage father ever," Rumple muttered.

"I need a drink," Emma muttered, massaging her temples.

"You alright babe?" Belle asked, returning from assisting Granny into a chair.

"Horribly insecure now, we need to match," Rumple told her, gesturing to her outfit.

"What? No! That's not-" Rumple snapped his fingers and Belle was briefly shrouded in smoke. When it dissipated she was wearing a tacky dress just as lethally reflective as his suit.

"Perfect!"

"Damnit Rumple!"

"Yeah, gonna go find Klepto son and alcohol now," Emma sighed, walking away from the now arguing couple.

"Have I perchance told you how very beautiful you are love?" Emma glared at the tuxedo wearing pirate who had fallen into stride beside her.

"You are so _not_ off the - … did you undue all the buttons on your shirt?" she asked, not resisting when he out an arm around her waist and began leading her to the buffet table.

"I've no idea what you're referring to love, would you like me to feed you some of the strawberries?" he asked sweeping an arm towards the buffet table and exposing more of his chest.

"You are the cheapest son of a bitch alive," she grumbled, making him grin, "lucky for you I've already hit my limit of fucks to give tonight."

"Colourful expression – seems a bit soon even for you," He replied.

"I was sort of done when I almost got nailed by a dwarf," she confided

"WHAT!?" Killian released her, eyes both furious and shocked. The shocked wore off fast as he turned away from her and shouted, "WHICH ONE OF YOU HEIGHT CHALLENGED BASTARDS PROPOSITIONED MY SWAN!?"

"_Oh my god Killian, no,_" Emma muttered. There was a puff of smoke signally Henry's arrival.

"Jealous!Hook for the win!" He chirped, fist pumping as Killian stormed away.

"I shall defend your honour Swan!" Hook promised.

"Hook get back here! Henry stop using magic to teleport everywhere!" Emma snapped, making a grab for her son.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Henry declared, dodging her attempt and using the fairy dust to puff away once more.

"That _little_ shit!" Pan floated down next to her almost instantly as if he'd been waiting.

"Did someone-"

"No! Go back to hell!" Emma spat at him furiously.

"Rude," Pan sang, floating away again. Screw alcohol – insanity was college level experimenting with acid. Emma raised a martini to her lips and drained the glass in one go. Then she paused, where had that martini come from? Emma felt her stomach drop.

"Oh god, she's here."

"Hello!" Emma turned at the sound of the chipper voice slowly to find _her_ standing there. ForPony stood there, wearing her fake nose glasses – drinking a beer through a crazy straw.

"How are you?" she asked pleasantly. Emma kicked her in the shin.

"Ow!" she cried, dropping her beer as she hopped on one foot.

"What was that for!?" ForPony demanded.

"You must be fucking joking," Emma growled.

"Hey! I just conducted this show – YJlover is the one who came up with the ideas," she said, hiking a thumb over her shoulder to direct Emma's gaze. Near the buffet table stood a woman dressed like a secretary, wearing a stylish pair of cat eyed glasses, a pen tucked behind her ear as she saluted Emma with a wine glass of ice tea – holding a check list.

"Who the hell is she!?" Emma demanded in a borderline hysterical voice as the woman tipped an invisible hat to her.

"Well I was bored so I contacted her and said, 'hey, wanna shove drug induced insanity into Storybrooke?' And she said she wasn't sure," Forpony shrugged, fixing her fake nose and slurping loudly from her crazy straw.

"… Really?" Emma asked.

"Ha! Fuck no, she was all in!" ForPony laughed, "So then she gave me some truly inspired ideas – thank you!" She called back over her shoulder. YJlover pulled the pen from behind her ear, ticked something off her chart and returned the praise with a wicked smile.

"No problem! Hey, what do you think of inviting Simba and his pride to this dinner?" YJlover yelled back.

"We can get them?" ForPony asked, eyebrows climbing into her hairline.

"It's only a matter of time before they get in on this family tree somehow," YJlover shrugged.

"Those are some disturbing implications. I don't know, how do you feel about it Emma?" ForPony asked, turning back to the flabbergasted saviour. Emma just stared at her for a long moment.

"… Are you the devil?"

"You're right, probably be waaaaaaaay over budget - Maybe next time."

"Excuse me!" Every head at the party turned to find Regina standing on her back porch, still holding a brief case as if she'd just come home.

"What in the_ hell_ is going on?" she demanded.

"What do you mean, this is your dinner party!" Whale replied.

"Umm, afraid not Victor," She answered coolly. Her eyes found the ice center piece and narrowed to tiny black slits.

"What is that? Who brought that!?"

"Annnnnd that would be our cue - Time to bale YJlover!" ForPony called to the secretary. YJlover nodded, dropping the checklist and and ran to hop the fence.

"Till next time Emma!" Emma watched ForPony run away, snagging some food before also jumping the fence.

"Hey! Get back here!" she yelled after the fleeing women. A drink appeared in Emma's hand.

"This buys you no forgiveness!" Emma shouted after them, draining the glass. A moment passed.

"I didn't say stop." Another martini appeared in her hand; well, at least magic had its perks.

"Emma!" Regina's voice snapped. Too bad crazy was its partner in crime.


End file.
